The GOP’s Saving Grace

Written by: Matt Seyer

The GOP seems to have a memory problem-be it Sarah Palin’s forgetting one of the pillars of her platform, Rick Perry’s forgetting the third agency of government he would get rid of once in office, or Herman Cain’s forgetting that he doesn’t actually have a clue.  This has led to widespread speculation as to how serious Republicans are about getting their candidate elected.

That speculation was shattered recently when the GOP announced their newest contender for 2012: Kevin Tusks.  Mr. Tusks was an unknown in the party for years, but has gradually built his reputation through a variety of what some are calling “circus tricks,” feats of policy-making so daring and dangerous that they belong in the circus ring.  His gusto in the Congressional arena is matched by his physical prowess: at three tons and eleven feet tall, Tusks completely dominates any space he occupies.  He held a special attraction for the GOP because his memory has been described by Harvard Biology professor Andrew Biewener as “one of the best in the entire animal kingdom.”

But the truly unique thing about candidate Tusks?  He’s the perfect standard-bearer for the GOP this coming election because he is the standard.  His entire life, Kevin Tusks has been a loyal party member as well as an actual elephant.

“It’s shocking to people at first, I realize that,” said Tusks in an interview with me last Friday.  “It’s always shocking to find someone who’s been a GOP member their entire life.  It’s even more shocking when I tell them I come from a predominantly liberal family.  But they move past it once they learn my reasons for being a Republican.”

Mr. Tusks paused, perhaps for dramatic effect, perhaps to consume some of his two hundred pound snack that he brought. I pressed him – what are those reasons?

“The reasons are thus: I hate taxes, socialism, and complete pussies, and every other party, mainly Democrats, seems to admire those things.  The GOP was just the right fit for me.”

I must admit, I was floored.  Here was a candidate who didn’t have the answer scribbled down on his hand.  Here was a candidate who could finish his thoughts without a single “Oops.”  Here was a candidate who could paint us all a picture-both of political realities as well as abstract portraits.  Still, I had other queries.  Wasn’t he afraid of being lumped with other dark-skinned candidates like Herman Cain?

“I’m not frightened by it.  I’m ready to get into the game and do my part for my party,” said Tusks proudly.  “I think the American people deserve a new face, a serious candidate, and I think it’s high time my people got the representation they deserve.”  In response to questions about opposition from white-supremacist groups, Tusks simply stated, “Haters gonna hate.”

In the brief time I spent with Kevin Tusks, I fully understood why the GOP was finally endorsing him (He recently received full-throated support from the RNC and other GOP groups).  He was intimidating in all the right ways (he could walk all over any challenger), but respectful and calm at the same time.  He could speak in complete sentences, remember his whole platform without recourse to cheat-sheets, and spur people to action with his booming voice and soaring rhetoric.  Even though we disagree on almost every issue, I knew from one interview that Tusks and I would be bosom buds for a long time.

To close out our interview, I pitched him a softball: would the fact that he was an elephant hurt his chances in any way?

“I highly doubt it.  The American people will be able to tell I’m the real deal.  Besides, my party has been putting monkeys in public office for years now, and America hasn’t seemed to mind,” said Trunks, with a twinkle in his eye.

Democrats, we may have met our match.